Every time I leave it gets harder. Why is that? Everything else in life gets easier the more you do it. Leaving Tully gets harder and harder every time I have to. And now I am just searching for every reason to go home again for Thanksgiving. Yeah, I was just home, and yeah, like three weeks after thanksgiving I'll be home for christmas, but I hate spending time anywhere else.

I creep myself out. I've become very domestic and single minded, but its not a bad thing. I think its the way I am supposed to be.

I can't take how anxious mt. holyoke makes me. I never had problems with anxiety until I came here. It was better at CU and in Denmark, but now its back and worse than ever. I don't even know what it is. I guess it could be school related, but I think thats a cop out. At CU I was taking 4 classes, studio was hands down the hardest class I have ever taken, and working 10-20 hours a week. I think what actually kills me here is all the free time. I have so much time and nothing to do with it but worry.

ugh. sometimes just saying goodnight on skype is so hard.
knowing that i won't be able to sit and talk to him for long for the next five days. sigh.
budapest will be worth it though. i know i would regret not going.
i'll probably be ready to be home in 31 days.

i just had the best two weeks. maybe of my life. i can't remember.

any doubts i have had about tully were completely put to rest. the time away from each other is totally worth the ease and comfort and fun we have when we are together. and the support and love i feel from him when we are apart make the distance alright. i never expected my first real relationship to be this simple but perfect, and i think that sometimes just because of that i make up fake problems. luckilly in his age and wisdom he is willing to work through most of these with me and be loyal, understanding and certain in his love for me.

i don't know how i got so lucky.

i never do livejournal entry's anymore. which is weird because i read my friends entry's almost every day...
so here is one.

still in copenhagen. still loving it. catherine brown was here last week. we had a really great time biking around and being a little lazy but still seeing all the tourist stuff. i shopped a lot and have now imposed a no shopping rule for a while.

i have been hanging out with this girl from umass a lot, jess. she's tons of fun. her friend tyler was here for three weeks visiting. he is also from the valley, so i will be able to see them again in the fall! tyler left on friday and it was really sad. he had become a pretty regular fixture in my life ha ha. he was strangely protective of me. i enjoyed it.

it's studio week, aka i have been in studio tons. we went out last night thank god. to smoke in christiania, and then to a party there with a dj and stuff. it was alright. we took shots of whiskey that we made this kid rob pay for. i had really only eaten grapes all day, so i got pretty wasted pretty fast. around 1 i started to think about how glorious the eggs in my refridgerator would taste, and when i shared that with jess, she got pretty excited too, so we turned in at about 2 and made some delicious overeasy eggs and had a sleepover.

in one week i will be 21! it's pretty anti-climatic here though. i'll be on study tour, so i won't even be in copenhagen. i'll be somewhere in germany. weird. we leave next saturday and get back the next sunday. then i have monday and tuesday in cph to putz around, and then tully comes! our relationship has become really intense lately and i really can't wait to see him. he is going to cook for me since i'm terrible and make me coffee because he's so good at that, and i will show him all around my favorite places. it's going to be amazing.

i really love where i live. my room is perfect (a little cold lately, but i'm dealing), i've adapted to the shower/bathroom combo to the extent that i missed my shower when i was home, and i've even become pretty fond of the communal kitchen. the only complaint about the kitchen that i have is that everyone comes in fully and formally clothed. it's not a problem for me that they do, it's a problem for me because i feel like i can't walk in in my pajama shorts and whatever concoction i put on my upper half when i'm just chilling in my room. sometimes i just do it to make a statement, but i know i get weird looks when i do. but thats the best way to be in the kitchen, is barely clothed. especially in the morning making coffee. i'm just going to start the no clothes trend and show denmark whats what in the kitchen.

my lazieness is bothering me.
yesterday i took a mental health day and did some work from home, but mostly just watched californication. today i meant to go to studio as well, but i decided to spend all day researching situationism. blergg. at least now i have a concept for my studio project. actually, i think the professors are going to eat it up. hopefullly. plus i can go craaazy, which was my goal in studio this semester.

i have also been looking for internships here for summer...i want to stay here forever. at least as long as possible. it's hard because i feel like it's letting people at home down, but it just seems right to me? i have been very indecisive lately. it bothers me. i mean, i guess i've always been indecisive, but i'm just falling into a lot of situations that require me to be decisive and so it's clearer than ever. i'm flighty. it's my nature i think. i know thats not an excuse.

goddamn my room is cold. and now i'm restless because i've been in my room all day. dumb dumb dumb.

it's really creepy how much i miss chipotle sometimes.
like right now.
ha ha.

things have gotten better. i have new friends now, i am slowly adjusting. i am obsessed with my candles, and i am thankful to have figured out how to use netflix internationally. i've realized that i really feel like i actually live here, and since i live here, it's ok to relax sometimes. it's good that i feel at home in my room. i use it as a place of refuge rather than just a place to sleep.

this weekend i'm off to berlin! and i'll see amanda and nicole! i'm so excited!

what to do what to do.
this summer i have three options before me so far. i know it's still early but to do some of them i need to get moving now. but i don't know which one.

first, let me preface this with the fact that this is my 21st summer. i need to be withing walking distance of bars to take advantage.

1)Boston.
live in brookline or something with catherine heller. take a graphic design class at BU and hope for an internship or job because rent will be outrageous as will tuition and i wll need to justify my summer there.

2)Boulder
sublet something in the valley with catherine brown. take a graphic design class at cu, intern or have a job at bmoca, maybe lifeguard, maybe find another job. be near tully and mom, and possible new puppy.

3)Austin
live (possibly for free) with Emily. find a job lifeguarding or in something better, maybe even an internship. basically just fuck around all summer because why not.

i feel like i just missed an entire weekend.
time warp.

so this is bad.
i'm smoking in my room. and not out the window. just legit in my room. gross.
caitlin and i just made delicious dinner of our own special recipe of frickadel and hot chip. (all we listen to now)
now i'm in my room about to start researching for this paper i have to write.
and getting stressed/not stressed about my studio project.
and getting stressed about specific people. but trying not to.
and getting overly obsessed about this concept we keep talking about in my kierkegaard class about loosing yourself to find yourself.
one morning when i was riding the bus home alone from a particularly intense night i realized that that phrase is probably a pretty good description of my life now. but i couldn't remember where it was from. and then i realized it was from class. so even though i thought i wasn't taking anything from that class, apparentally i was taking basically everything from it. but at least kierkegaard thinks thats good. and it's probably a real good thing to do here and now.

ugh. alright. research.
i swear. i think i found a drinking problem along with myself.

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
food has been disappearing from my life left and right all semester. it's just sad.
i don't know if i complained about this yet, but just the other day i realized that someone is taking my cabinet door off and stealing stuff. they are eating straight out of tupperware. disgusting stuff. and they don't just steal from me, they steal from other people too.

so, tonight around 11:20 i went into the kitchen because i am making mashed potatoes tomorrow for skanksgiving and i already peeled and cut them. then tully told me that i should put them in cold water too because it will make them keep better. so i was going in there to do that. i walked in and christina's roommate sarah was in there, standing very close to my cabinet. which isn't that suspicious because her cabinet is right below mine. however, my cabinet was open, which you need a lock to do...as i was walking towards our fridge to get my potatoes i was talking to her and i noticed that she was holding a bag of berry muslii in her hand...strange, i just got the very same kind of muslii. my mind was starting to figure things out, but i was too scared to say anything, so i pretended like i had no idea what was going on. i did my potatoes and went back to my room to tell christina what just happened. sarah was still in the kitchen. once she was back in her room, i went back to survey the damage. my cabinet door was still open, hanging on one hinge...more pasta from a tupperware was gone, as well as my half full bag of muslii.

SHE HAS BEEN STEALING MY SHIT THIS WHOLE SEMESTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

after careful consideration, i wrote her a note and taped it to the inside of my cabinet. it says that i know shes doing it and she better stop. i don't want to fight with her. i don't even care if she pays me back for all the food she took. i just want her to fucking stop it right now. and never steal mine or anyone else in the kitchens stuff again.

DUDE!!!!!
the food napping MUST stop!
someone took the door of my locked shelf to steal my chocolate muslii. really? is it worth that much effort? they also ate directly out of a tupperware of leftover pasta in my fridge...and had the balls to not quite finish it.
WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

i am so unhealthy.
my eating habits are terrible here.
take today for instance.
i was too lazy to make myself breakfast, but i got a coffee on the way to class at 11:30.
i had class non-stop until 2:35 at which point i went to the computer lab to do a little work and see if there was anyone there to grab lunch with me (usually i meet up with emily around then, but her boyfriend is here so i knew she wouldn't be around)
around 4:00 i went to get coffee and a snack by myself. i got a crossiant.
(at this point my total caloric intake is 1 crossiant and 2 cups of coffee. and one cigarette. i was basically shaking, but part of that was nerves and not just my terrible diet)
i worked in studio until 9:45, called birg on the bus home. luckilly she and her cmm friends had cooked chicken parm and there was an extra piece for me.
it's now 10:45 and i have finally gotten some decent food.

my total food for the day (so far)
2 cups of coffee
2 glasses of wine
1 crossiant
1 serving of salad with thousand island dressing
1 piece of chicken parm
2 cigarettes
(and this isn't even a terrible day for me. generally there is a lot more to drink)

but i guess it even's out for yesterday when i basically ate all day long ha ha.

my room has gotten to a state of out of control mess. it's disgusting. but i am dreading cleaning it soo much. i just don't want to. ughhh.

this week has been a ridiculous mess of overserving.

monday we made dinner and bought too much wine and ended up all wasted. good thing my charette was already done.

tuesday was election! there was an architecture party at dis at 4, where i an my associates started drinking, and were tipsy by 5 and pretty drunk by 6, when we went to the laundromat cafe for american burgers. after laundrymat everyone except emily russel, mike waters and i were babies and went home. we went to goldies to collect and go out later. except we never ended up going out. carmen and kai came over and we had a perfect election celebration, drunk from 6pm until 7am.

wednesday i got 3 hours of sleep before i had to go to the louisiana. emily and i were going to go to the black kids, but we decided we would die. it was my only sober night.

thursday carmie and goldie knew about some free show in norrebro. we showed up late ,but proceeded to chill at the bar anyways until 3am.

friday was J-DAY. or jul dag. on j-day, tuborg (one of the beer companies) releases their special christmas beer. there is partying at every bar and in the streets. the beer trucks come along and spread christmas joy and free beer through the streets of copenhagen. needless to say we all got overserved and then got kicked out of oak room and finally went to bed.

last night was maxine's birthday, so we cooked dinner and drank wine and smoked a little. then emily and i went back to her apartment to meet her room mate. she made us really good mulled wine and then we went to a few bars. i think copenhagen raged too hard on j-day and so everything was really relaxed last night. but it was better that way because I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO TODAY!!!

and cigarettes and alcohol.

my november and december are looking pretty crazy. it's crazy to think about how little time there is before christmas.

last week in mallorca was beautiful. it made me want to look for a program to become fluent in spanish. i'm going to do it this summer i think.

thank god it was relaxing because now i am getting stressed. at this point the good kind. on december 9th i have two 10 page papers due, and on the 10th the final studio project. which means i have to finish those papers asap because studio will probably rule my life for the whole week before.

luckilly copenhagen has already upped the hygge factor. i am looking for more candles asap.

i'm really stoked on everything right now. lets hope it lasts!

I have a week in copenhagen to putz around and do this one project. so far i have had two days of this week. the first day consisted of me catching up on tv shows i missed the week i was in sweden and finland, and then going out to a ridiculously priced sushi meal with caitlin. yesterday i was going to find a bike. but then tully and i had a really long conversation, and then my mom learned how to use skype, so i had to talk to her for a long time. then it was like 4 and i needed to go grocery shopping. so thats all i did.

gahh! i have to be more productive today for my own sanity.

i should not have taken this kierkegaard class...i am soo not into it anymore. or really ever. oops.
i have a paper due tomorrow, and i missed basically all the classes, and i never did any reading...oops again.
hopefully i can pull it off. it's not due till whenever i finish it tomorrow, so i have time, right?
then saturday we leave for sweden and finland for a week! exciting. but i'll be sad not to talk to tully for so long. and the mono is going to make me take it so easy, i hope i'm not bored.

so, i have mono. in denmark.
luckilly i'm done feeling sorry for myself (luckilly i didn't do that for very long.) and actually, i'm really appreciative of how understanding my school here is being. but now i am getting annoyed about something else.

christina is starting to annoy me. she is my best friend here for sure, and a great friend. however, she is just starting to get on my nerves. for example, she is sick now (and i'm sure she is actually sick) but she is trying to hang out with me all the time, which is frustrating. she was supposed to go on a trip to germany this weekend to visit a concentration camp, but i think really she didn't want to go on the trip because she doesn't really have friends in that class. and right before she called her teacher to tell him she wasn't going, she was in christiania smoking...and tonight she is probably going to hook up with this guy. i guess it's just annoying to have her be complaining about how sick she feels, even though i am starting to feel a lot better.

i guess she is just getting a little clingy, and then she will randomly criticize things i do. for instance, i really don't like the tap water here. i tried to drink it for the first like three weeks of being here, but i just couldn't do it. i was not drinking any water, and thats not healthy. so i started to buy these big bottles of the one specific kind of water that i like. so i'm always buying this water at the grocery store. but then today we were at the store and she was like "you know you could just drink the tap water." which is true, but i just won't, and so to drink water i need to drink the bottled water. like, whats the deal, me buying water is no problem for her. and i'm pretty sure we've talked about it before. but oh well. whatever. and now she isn't going out tonight so i'm sure we are going to have to hang out, when to be perfectly honest, i would be much happier just hanging out alone.

i'm probably just getting cranky, and i have been hanging out with her too much. i won't see her for like, three weeks, so i think that will be good.